Game of Thrones Recap: “A Dance With Dragons”

Can I just say I am super happy I didn’t jump onto the Stannis Baratheon train. Sure, everyone loves a sassy grammar Nazi, but I never liked him. Maybe because I’m the only one who remembers he has been burning people at the stake since we met the character, and he’s a total religious cuckoo?! But everyone who LOVEDDD Stannis had quite a change of heart this week, did they not? *enter I told you so here.*

Past ninth episodes included Ned’s head getting chopped off, the Battle of Blackwater, the Red Wedding, and the Battle at Castle Black. So usually, big things happen in the ninth episode and then the season finales shows how everyone is reeling and dealing. Except in season five, even though some huge things went down in this episode, it still seems like there is going to be a LOT more happening come next week.

Let’s start off with probably one of the most traumatizing things Game of Thrones has ever done. Poor Princess Shireen, BURNED AT THE STAKE. It was such a brilliant, mean move to have viewers see Stannis and Shireen have a moment earlier in the season. You make your whole fan base think “aw, Stannis is such a good dad,” and then… nope. Of course Stannis sent Ser Davos away, because he knew the man would do a better job at protecting his daughter than he would himself. I can only imagine what he’s going to do when he finds out what Stannis has done. Anyway, the whole entire scene was agonizing. As Shireen is walking, she finally realizes what’s happening when she lays eyes on evil bitch Melisandre, she knows this is actually terrifying. And I definitely think it’s worse for Shireen that Stannis and his wife were there watching the whole thing. Of course they didn’t show it, but that little girl’s screams are going to be forever ingrained in my head.

I’m definitely interested to see what the payoff is for this sacrifice. Last time an evil smoke monster baby killed Renly. I’m really praying Ramsey is now on the back-end of this. I think we all are. Can someone also take care of Melisandre? I’m so over her.

Not much happening with Jon Snow this episode, which is expected, since there is so much else to cover and he had his time to shine at Hardhome last week.

Sansa wasn’t featured in this week’s episode either, but you best believe when Stannis marches on Winterfell next week she’ll be heavily involved.

Cersei and the King’s Landing crew are also nowhere to be seen this week, but since the season finale’s title is “Mother’s Mercy,” I sense Cersei will be back again.

Arya, meanwhile, definitely can learn a thing or two in stealthiness. First, she makes it almost completely obvious that she’s about to do something sketchy to the dude she’s supposed to kill. But then she becomes completely sidetracked when douche of the hour, Ser Meryn Trant, steps off a boat with Mace. Mace is in Braavos visiting the Iron Bank, and since Trant was forced to accompany him, most likely to kill him before he can return to King’s Landing, he figured, why not, let’s go be a complete creep and look for little prosti-tots in the brothels. And here comes Ms. Stealth Arya Stark, following him into a brothel with the cover that she’s selling oysters. Really? Trant and Arya have a stare down quite a couple of times. I find it hard to believe he doesn’t recognize her.

The most boring story line definitely goes to Myrcella‘s rescue from Dorne, considering it didn’t even have to be a rescue. Prince Doran had no problem sending Myrcella back to King’s Landing with Jaime, as long as her betrothed comes along. How anti-climatic. Since Oberyn’s lover is now tamed, will the Sand Sisters do the same? Or will they rebel? Will Bron get with that slap-happy one? We’ll have to see. Or not, doesn’t really matter to me.

Finally, the most exciting, awesome part of the episode. A lot of shit went down in Meereen. At first, I was delighted to watch Dany and Daario have adorable banter like an old married couple about their bets, and they teamed up with sass on mean hubby-to-be. Those two kill me. Even Tyrion was like wow, these two are adorable. And then, Eternally Friend-Zoned Jorah got to fight in front of Dany in the fighting pits, again. This guy really just needs to stop. He is way past embarrassing himself. Except wait, this time he manages to pull it off, because he snipes down a Harpy! And then, in yet another terrifying moment, they all emerge. Those masks scare me, sorry I’m not sorry. Chaos ensues, and I am completely stressed out at this point. There are some great moments, like Tyrion helping out in the fight, and mean hubby-to-be getting stabbed (even though I’m pretty sure this was all his doing, which is why he was late making sure “everything was in order”). But then the Ultimate Squad (Tyrion, Daario, Jorah, Dany, and Missandei) was surrounded. Thank god Grey Worm was still recovering, I stress about his well-being way too often. And then, Drogon comes and saves the day! Rejoice! Tyrion’s expression of seeing the dragon up close for the first time, and witnessing Dany have complete control of him, goes to show that Tyrion is now definitely seeing the big picture of them having an advantage. Dany rides off into the sunset with Drogon, leaving the rest of the squad to be like “ok, we’ll just wait here, that’s cool.”

Here’s what I think will happen in next week’s season finale, “Mother’s Mercy:”

  • Stannis will march on Winterfell, his sacrifice of Shireen enabling him to kill them all. Ramsey will hole up with Sansa in their bedroom because he’s a little bitch, and Sansa will stab him to death because she’s a badass hellbent on revenge. Brienne and Pod also make an appearance, and try to get her to leave Winterfell, but she insists on staying because it’s her home. Once Stannis discovers Sansa, he allows her to either stay in Winterfell or be sent to Jon at Castle Black.
  • Jon will face a mutiny at Castle Black, since his bros are not too keen on letting in the wildlings. No one will believe his story of Hardhome, and I somehow get the feeling little Olly is going to kill Sam? I don’t know I just have a bad feeling about Sam, and Olly has been mighty bitter as of late. This will all pose a problem, since WINTER IS COMING, PEOPLE.
  • Cersei will confess and be publicly shamed in King’s Landing, just in time for Jaime to come back and be completely confused as to what is happening. Tommen will still be holed up in his room with Ser Pounce. Margaery is just destined to be in that cell forever because her husband is a loser.
  • Arya will dress up as a prosti-tot and use the poison on Trant instead of the shady insurance dude. Jaqen will be disappointed that she still can’t let go of her past self. Her training starts over from the beginning.
  • Not sure if anything else will happen in Meereen this season since a lot went down this week, but if so, Dany will decide her dragons should no longer be locked up, and she and Tyrion start to formulate a plan to make their way across the Narrow Sea.
  • We all weep, as we now have to wait a year for this glorious show to return.

Thoughts? Comments? Disagreements? Let me know!

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