WRITING THIS RECAP IS GOING TO BE SO HARD. BUT I HAVE TO TRY.
Thinking about the Season 5 finale that aired this week is giving me heart palpitations, and I’m dead serious (NO PUN INTENDED). I’m in complete denial about the last 2 minutes of the episode so I’m going to merrily (haha, jk) recap the first 58 minutes because the blog must go on.
Dany and the Meereen squad
So after Dany did a great reenactment of The NeverEnding Story last week, we find her smack in the middle of nowhere with pain in the ass, lazy Drogon. Like, thanks for the save bro, but now is not the time to just lay around like a lazy teenager. So of course, Dany needs to figure a way out, and probably some food and water, all on her own, and in the process, gets surrounded by the Dothrakis. All as Drogon is tuning her out. Nice. I can’t remember what the situation was when the Dothraki and Dany were last together, but by the look on Dany’s face, it’s not going to be a happy reunion. Jorah and Daario are teaming up to go find her, and because Jorah has greyscale and therefore has nothing to lose, I am quite nervous he’s going to try to take Daario out so he has no competition. While in reality, Jorah is no competition for Daario, because excuse my Millennial speak, but Daario = BAE.
Back in Meereen, Tyrion and Varys reunite! Yay! They, along with Greyworm and Missandei, are going to run shit. I’m cool with that.
Sansa and Theon… Idiots.
That jump/fall can’t possibly end well for BOTH of them. My hope is that Sansa lands on top of Theon, killing/maiming him (further) and her continuing on without him. I know that’s cruel, but I seriously feel Theon’s character has overstayed his welcome, and get over it, he’s fictional. And if Sansa is the one to break a leg or something, the girl really has the worst luck in the world, and I am not about watching another full season of a Stark being carried on someone’s back.
Where will they go now? They can’t possibly get TOO far without Ramsay noticing and sending a search party after them. I can’t remember where the Iron Islands are in relation to Winterfell, but it can’t be that close. And if Sansa thinks she’s going to head to Castle Black to reunite with Jon… NO I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT YET. But she’s going to be in for yet another heartbreak. And really, where has Littlefinger been in all of this? Although, why would Sansa want to see him either, because hello, she was stuck with Ramsay because of him!
Hey Stannis: Good for you, ass.
You go right up there with Cersei for “most deserved just desserts.” Even your side hoe dipped (and I’m praying she went to Castle Black to actually be useful for once for REASONS). He literally had the worst day ever, ending with Brienne of Tarth, AKA Ms. Monologue, presumably ending him. Although we didn’t get to see it, which makes me nervous. He had nothing else to live for though, so at this point there’s no reason to keep him alive. Oh! Maybe Sansa and Theon will finally meet up with Brienne and Pod. But then where will they go.. that storyline really is a big question mark.
Arya blind = Me pissed
BAD THINGS NEED TO STOP HAPPENING TO THE STARKS. Ok, I get that Arya went bat shit crazy rogue to cross Meryn Trant off her list, but everyone wanted it to happen. The girl should be rewarded for that, not blinded! I’m so creeped out by all of this House of Black and White nonsense. She obviously thought this was a badass boot camp and obviously someone put false advertising on the flyers. Maybe her going blind will turn her into a badass fighter now. Who knows.
I actually feel bad for a Lannister.
No silly, I don’t mean Cersei. I mean Jaime! The minute Oberyn’s scorned lover kissed young Myrcella on the mouth (ew), I knew she was a goner. And poor Jaime finally got to have a fatherly bonding moment with SOMEONE and he had to watch her die before his very eyes. I was very conflicted on this because Cersei really deserves everything she gets. but Jaime didn’t deserve that. And now that whole Dorne rescue mission was REALLY a waste of time, since she just died anyway! Killing two young daughters in two episodes. Good going, Game of Thrones.
Now for the Lannister I have no sympathy for… Cersei!
Listen, she had to walk through the streets with the peasants. She has no friends anyway because she’s such a bitch. so it’s not like they made her walk naked through the streets of the Red Keep where all the poshy people would make fun of her. I’m super pissed they cut her hair though. Yes I know it’s a wig, but she looks really weird without the long locks. And that nun who wouldn’t stop saying “SHAME!” Like… we get it. Aren’t you exhausted doing that the entire time?
Cersei is going to need A LOT of wine to get past this. And then wait until she hears about Myrcella. And Jaime’s going to return and have no idea what’s happening. For Cersei’s kids, it’s two down, one to go. And on account of Tommen being a little bitch, I have a feeling the last part of that prophecy won’t take very long to fulfill.
Also: Couldn’t we get any kind of update on the Tyrells?
And finally… FUCK YOU OLLY.
Ok I know, I’m sorry about the language, but I think I hate Olly even more than I ever hated Joffrey. That little asshat had a nasty look on his face the minute Jon returned, so I knew something was up. EVERYONE’S PARENTS DIE IN WESTEROS OLLY. THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO GO AROUND STABBING PEOPLE. Of course Sam leaves with Gilly right before this happens. Then again, what would he have done. To be honest, I’m still in complete denial of the last 2 minutes even happening. I seriously thought Jon Snow was one of the untouchable characters in the show, right now anyway. He held this season together, he kept things interesting, he was the only one who knew anything about the White Walkers, he was going to have a huge role in the coming war. SO WTF. All of these reasons are why I will say until I’m blue in the face, Jon Snow is not dead. Like I said, there’s a reason Melisandre chose to go back to Castle Black. She could have gone anywhere she wanted, and she chose there. Not a coincidence. Also, there’s the whole mystery surrounding Jon’s parents, and I can’t believe they would just kill him off and then expect us to just drop our interest in that. There are many theories floating around the internet about what can happen, and I have to say there is merit in some. But at this point I don’t trust anything George RR Martin or these showrunners do or say. They say “Jon Snow is definitely dead,” I say BULLSHIT.
So amazing finale, I can’t believe we have to wait an entire year for some answers. BUT I’M STILL REALLY PISSED OFF, GUYS. AND IT’S GONNA TAKE ME A LONG TIME TO RECONCILE WITH THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.